Darkness after Pregnancy - The PPD Nightmare

Many women, like myself, have found themselves in a dark, depressed state after the birth of their child.  For once in my life, I'm not afraid to admit it.  I suffered from postpartum depression.  I know I'm not alone.  There are thousands of women like me out there.  Just like me, some are in denial. 

Let me start from the beginning. 

My husband removed my blouse, he kissed my neck ever so gently - okay, not that far back. I'll start in the hospital room. I knew right away something was wrong with me.  Everytime the baby cried, I wanted the nurse to take him to the nursery.  It was like his tiny, little shrilly screams etched a hole into my body, and drained me of all my energy. When I got home, it became worse. I started lashing out at family members, including my other children. I know now my problem was obsessive.  I believe everyone who goes through PPD has some sort of OCD. The need to be perfect...the perfect mom.

Just one example of my neurotic behavior - I didn't want my baby to get sick, so I refused to take him around anyone that appeared sick.  My sister's child had croup at Christmas time that year.  I lost my mind and left because she wouldn't keep her child away from my baby.  Yes, it was understandable on my part, but I went way over the top. What I said to everyone was inexcusable.  My older sister called me the next day concerned.  As she should be.  I was falling apart and I didn't know how to stop it.  I was like this for about 9 months, but I didn't feel completely normal until my son was three.    

I cried all the time. It didn't matter what it was about, I cried. 

I had horrible thoughts of my baby getting hurt - like me dropping him over the balcony of our deck, or him being placed in a hot oven.  It wasn't thoughts of me doing it, it was thoughts of it happening. Therefore, I stayed away from the deck and oven.  I knew I'd never hurt him, but I just couldn't stop the thoughts.

I know now that I should've got help.  Like many women, I refused to take medication in fear of it harming my son, since I was breast-feeding.  I should have at least sought a support group.  There are so many out there, too.

Here's a great website http://postpartum.net/local-support/?state=illinois - in the address/URL field, just type over Illinois and type your state

I ended up writing a book.  It's fiction, but the characters and story is very much real.  Some of it's about me, and some of it's about a women who committed suicide because of postpartum depression (true story).  It's dangerous, and anyone who thinks they have it should get help. My book isn't published yet.  I'm still looking for an agent.  It's called Sommer Never Ends.  The character's name is Sommer.

I just got lucky.

Send me a comment and let me know if you suffer or have suffered from PPD.